- Unfortunately the last day of the full-time seminar. It was a kind of summarizing session. And so some things became clearer to me. We practiced all the mediations parts in a more advanced level.

The first exercise was about confrontation-messages. The goal: Report the other's behaviour without reproaches, and let him know what the consequences may be for you and how you feel about it.

In other words: Complain but stay neutral and factual and name the (negative) consequences for you.

For example: When I want to go to work tomorrow and the fuel displays "empty," it is possible that I arrive at work late because I have to fuel the car first.

You can believe me it is incredible difficult to talk like this if you are involved in a conflict. Since the seminar is over I had alreadyseveral chances to practice this. But I cannot remember once that I could use it. (Ha! Yeah, I tried it once in conflict of my parents with my sis... They didn't take me serious.)

There is a distinction between "I"- and "you"-messages. The "I"-messages are more neutral and not so aggressive. With a few sentences we practiced to turn "you"-messages into factual "I"-messages. I had my problems with one of the examples in the exercise.

For me you haven't worked very constructively during the last part of the meeting. I am not sure if this will stay without consequences. I can imagine that afterwards you will be made seriously responsible for the unsuccessful meeting.

I was not the only one in the course who interpreted it as an "I"-message. But in fact it is better to say

When I see that you didn't work constructively I become angry (and wish that you will be made responsible for the unsuccessful meeting).

First, there is the fact, then the feeling and finally the wish. And one has to admit it sounds much better. I only wished that in every-day-life I could and would use it more. Maybe it is only a matter of practice. I keep on trying ;-)

However, transforming "you"-messages into "I"-messages is a crucial tool for the mediator. So it would be the mediator in our example who would say then:

If I understand you right, when you see that Mr. B does not work constructively you become angry and wish that he will be made responsible.

The Stages of Mediation
We played another conflict with mediation. I was a husband who complained about his wife that she always leaves the windows open.

1. Explain mediation and get agreement

2. Listen and understand both points of view
You can ask back if something remains unclear to the mediator (and thus maybe to the conflict partner).

3. Find the personal meaning of the conflict
The real conflict is in most cases deeper than the shallow conflict on the surface. In our example with the married couple both sides brought up more and more accusations. Finally the conflict on the ground came out. The wife felt lonely because her husband is at work all day long. (To keep it simple) [I was surprised how well playing conflicts works! Pretty realistic!]

4. "From the past into the future"
"And now imagine you are in the role of the other person" the mediator says. The conflict partners have to change the perspective. (Shall create empathy I think.) I am not sure if this always helps to open both sides for other opinions. In our played situations it worked. Then, it can be spoken about how it can be in the future. A brainstorming can help. The ideas can also be over-emphasized and ridiculous. This helps to relax the situation (a bit). ["Burn down everything, get paid off by the insurance"]

5. Reconciliation
If everything went well the conflict partners reconcile. However it can take several sessions. There is no compromise but a win-win situation.

The seminar ended. -But not my interest in mediation. I don't want to become a professional mediator! No! It is not a profitable business. You can only do it because you feel like but make no money with it. (At least not in Germany.) And if you want to study mediation you even have to pay. Most mediators do voluntary work in associations throughout Germany. What I mean is that our every-day communication can be improved by keeping in mind some of the mediation rules. It will not always work of course. -Either because we are "just" humans or because the situation is not suitable for violence-free communication. The coursed has given me a lot and actually I want to encourage everyone to think about some of the issues spoken about there. I think that violence-free communication makes successful if it is in the job or in the relationship. My experience is that it is not easy to practice it but it is definitely worth it.